Tag: desire

  • after mystery, amazement

    after mystery, amazement

    Today, weary from sitting and staring at my screen for hours, I decided to visit a friend I haven’t seen since last year: yarrow (“Schafgarbe” in German). She grows in the forest near my house, up on the hill, by the water reservoir, on a narrow strip of unremarkable grass. I bent down to the ground to look for her delicate shape. Perhaps I’m just too early, I thought. It’s February, after all.

    But there she was, pushed close to the cold muddy earth, partly shielded by wet brown leaves: this common yarrow had made it through the winter. She looked pale but still like herself.

    I first met her about three years ago, in a community garden in Bern. It was August and she grew everywhere, though I would not have known that. One of the gardeners showed me how to spot her fern-like leaves, whose shape might remind you of a river delta, ice crystals or a drag queen’s eyelashes, depending on your frame of reference. I held a single long leaf in my hand, smelled it and then ate it, because the gardener told me to. I found that I liked eating that plant a lot. This strange taste of grass and pepper with a hint of liquorice, this ‘other’, irresistible.

    ‘The mystery was gone but the amazement was just starting,’ Andy Warhol once wrote. After I learned yarrow’s names, I grew amazed at her presence in the world. Her dried stalks have been thrown for thousands of years by Chinese shamans for divination with the I Ching. Her Latin name, Achillea, comes from Achilles who, according to Greek mythology, used yarrow to treat the battle wounds of his soldiers. She is medicine and has been used as such for thousands of years, both in Europe and by several Native American nations. Starlings pluck her stems to build their nests.

    She is not picky about where she shows up. I have met her on the edge of football fields, parking lots and in the middle of long-neglected gardens. The reason I’m writing about her now is partly because I hope you’ll meet her on one of your next walks and partly because I wonder what your own yarrow might be. What amazes you? What is your portal to the more-than-human world? It might be a tree, or a mountain. It might be a river, or many rivers. It might be birds or your cat. It might be the moon or the wind. It might be something growing in your backyard that has waited, all your life, to start a conversation with you.

    detailed photo of a yarrow plant with pink and white petals against a grey background
    Achillea Millefolium, or yarrow. Photo by Josef Hanel, taken around 1925. Public Domain

    A lot of people have told me in recent weeks that they cannot imagine things getting any worse than they are now. And yet. I had this sense that each person I spoke to also had a quiet knowing in their bones. Some truth humming underneath all the noise: things will get worse. But how will we cope?

    I certainly don’t know how. But perhaps the ‘not knowing’ is the point: There are things we can only discover about ourselves in a moment of crisis, like our ancestors did in the centuries before this one.

    February brings us, among many other things, a Lunar Eclipse in Aquarius (on the 17th) and the only exact conjunction between Saturn and Neptune in Aries (on the 20th). It is, in my humble opinion as an astrologer, one of the most difficult, confusing and surreal months of 2026.

    February will likely confront us with a further loss of order and the irreversible breaking down of structures both metaphorical and literal. Back in June of 2025 I first wrote about this conjunction (which occurs roughly every 35 years), naming some of the themes associated with it: the erosion of boundaries, the melting down of certainties, and yes, irresponsible leadership.

    Expect bad decisions to be made fast. Expect some of those bad decisions to be your own and forgive yourself. Whatever happens this month, don’t wind yourself up trying to get ‘a clear picture’ of anything. That is for later.

    If you can, go outside. If nothing else works, just stare at a wall for a while. But most of all, trust that whatever lies ahead will meet us where we are. Not our perfect selves, not the versions of us who have finally conquered our to-do lists. It will be just you and me, in the messy middle of our lives, living through extraordinary times. May we know that we are not doing this alone. May we greet our friends and prepare our gardens for spring, amidst everything.


    This is an essay from my newsletter The Star Container, first published in February 2026. Subscribe or head to the archive here.

  • the ones who don’t answer you

    the ones who don’t answer you

    A few days ago, I sat in a bright community hall with a view of a bay, surrounded by about forty strangers. I was on Iona, a small island off the west coast of Scotland, listening to the Irish poet Pádraig Ó Tuama talk about survival through the lens of beauty. Every day, he’d read us a poem, say, by Lucille Clifton, or Marie Howe, or Dunya Mikhail and we’d talk about it: how it moved us, the questions it raised. From that, we’d write our own poems, the first scraps. And as the sky outside changed, we began to share what we wrote. Over the span of a few days, we covered it all: death, loss, silence, conflict, heartache. I wouldn’t say it was fun, exactly. But there’s something to be said for being in community with a group of kind-hearted people and talk about the things that really matter, the things that gnaw at your soul.

    On the morning of our fourth day together, Pádraig stood in the same sunlit spot he had stood in all week and gave us another sharp question:

    Who in your life doesn’t answer you?

    The day’s topic was ‘Desire’ and here we were, being thrown right into it. We were asked to ponder our one-way streets, those we have with the living and the dead and our pets and god and maybe famous people. I thought about writers I admire and the imaginary conversations I have with them. I thought about former lovers, things left unsaid. I thought about teachers, mentors, people I haven’t seen in years. And soon, my head was filled with both the feeling of want and the feeling of shame, and rejection. That awful sensation when you send a message to someone you really like and they leave you on read, forever.

    We were instructed to choose one person from our desire-list and write them a series of postcards. We were instructed to be confident and honest. Strangely, doing this made the desire easier to bear. Here are some postcards I wrote to a meditation teacher I found online a few years ago. We’ve never met. I talk to her all the time in my head. I’ll call her ‘Josephine’.

    Josephine,

    Is it ok that I’m still

    at the very beginning?

    The pages gather dust.

    Josephine,

    I haven’t meditated for three days.

    I don’t even miss it.

    Instead, I think about visiting you

    in the countryside.

    Would you roll me a cigarette if I came by?

    Doing this exercise starts to reveal how complicated our desires are: How we feel helpless and frustrated and lonely within them. But they also contain life, no?

    Maybe you’d like to write your own series of postcards (that you never need to send, of course) and find out what it is you really yearn for. Or even just think about that question above.

    We are in the middle of a Venus retrograde in Aries. It started on March 1 and will end on April 12, 2025. If ever there is a time to examine our desires and to let ourselves be drawn to the person or place or thing we really want, it’s a Venus retrograde. The planet of intimacy and values only does this every 18 months, and not always in the same sign. The last time Venus went retrograde in Aries (and Pisces) was eight years ago, between March 4th and April 15th, 2017. If you like, check your email archive or diary to see what came up for you then. What did you learn about intimacy, your values and beauty at the time?

    Because much of it happens in the sign of Aries, this 2025 Venus retrograde is not subtle, like some of the other ones. Aries-energy is impulsive, confrontational, childlike and obvious. It’s also deeply courageous. If you find yourself gripped by strange new impulses, if you notice an instinct to upset the status quo, I say follow it with your whole heart. Speak the unacceptable words. Be the weirdo you were born to be. Because Desire, the deep one, the one you feel vulnerable and ashamed about, is no frivolous thing – it is the potent place of all we want to make manifest with our love. Venus retrograde is here to remind us of that.

    This is an essay from my newsletter The Star Container, first published in March 2025. Subscribe or head to the archive here.